When
Relationships Go From Hot To Cold
We
had been dating for 6 months. We
shared the same interests, felt very at
ease together, had (often) discussed future
plans and had even spent some of the holidays
together. Our relationship seemed
right on track and just right in general.
Then, without warning,
he said he "needs some time to think
and figure things out." He stopped
calling and rarely returned my calls. When
he did, I was often met with silence on
the other end of the line. When I asked
"what happened", I just got a
verbal run around of excuses about how busy
he is and/or how much stress he is under
right now.
What happened? What
did I do? I don't know what to think.
Does the above scenario
sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate
to being confused and stunned over the sudden
change in a boyfriend's/girlfriend's
behavior.
Now think about this
- What if your relationship wasn't
what you thought it was? What if unspoken
issues had existed all along? What if there
were signs you chose to ignore or just didn't
see? Are any of these possible?
Probably.
This sudden change
in a couple's relationship is reported
quite a bit by individuals who have just
broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately,
it leaves the person who has been "dumped"
with feelings of low self-esteem, regret,
inadequacy and anger.
There is often no
real closure, as the couple is never able
(willing) to talk through what went wrong
or was never right with their relationship.
So, how can you know
what the problem was and hope to avoid a
repeat of this hurtful experience? You can
do this by examining your failed relationship
and gaining insight and understanding about
what just wasn't right between you.
In order to assist
you with this; I am providing a basic framework
of the relationship stages a couple
must pass through TOGETHER in order to get
to a place of shared intimacy and commitment.
If either person's feelings change before,
during or after one of these stages, it
is not necessarily the "fault"
of the other individual. It is simply a
statement about the individuals' rightness
(or not) for each other. It is also a reflection
of each individual's relationship readiness
and ability to handle long-term, committed
intimacy.
How an individual
handles their changing feelings and resultant
behavior toward the other is a subject for
another article.
Relationships have
stages. We have all read articles and books
by authors who have come up with their own
unique number or names for these. I will
try to take a very basic approach to this
and keep it simple and as universal as possible.
Attraction
This is the first
stage. It is physical, intellectual and
emotional - on a very surface level. Girl
sees boy and vice versa. They flirt,
talk and get a very basic sense of the other.
They are usually responding to a physical
pull. He/she is cute, funny, charming, interesting
to talk to, etc.
Without attraction,
first dates wouldn't happen. It can
therefore be assumed that the other person
finds us attractive if we have gotten to
a first date.
In a way, this is
the easy one. We are unknowns to each other.
Things progress from this point or they
do not. Hurt feelings are minimal. We usually
chalk up rejection to; "I'm not his
type". There is no need to analyze
or wonder what went wrong.
If both people feel
a strong enough level of attraction continues
to exist after a few dates, they usually
move along to stage two. However, if one
finds the other has unattractive characteristics
or behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt
change in the relationship.
Remember, these behaviors
or characteristics would be ones that would
manifest in the very early stage of dating.
Some examples: frequently late, never offers
to pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude
to waitress, etc.
Romantic Relating
In this second stage,
couples begin to test out the idea of themselves
as a unit. Dating is no longer brand
new. It is more comfortable and predictable.
Sharing romantic dinners and exciting
special interests are typical dates during
this new and fun time in a growing relationship.
During this stage,
flowers are given for no special reason
and loving cards are slipped back and forth
with words like "thinking of you".
It's a happy carefree time, when lovers
tend to idealize, romanticize and overlook
that which can be right in front of them.
The relationship seems effortless and spontaneous.
Affection is shared openly and frequently.
One's partner seems perfect. There is rarely
conflict during this period. The partners
often share the unrealistic belief that
their relationship is so special and unique
that it will always stay this way.
This stage can last
from three or four months up to more than
a year. It is actually the shortest stage
that any long-term relationship goes through.
It is also the one we wish we could hold
onto forever and long for when it is gone.
This is the stage that love poems speak
about. It is also believed (falsely) by
many that this is what long-term committed
love will always be like.
Many relationships
begin to stumble at the end of this period.
For that is when reality begins to set in.
As partners begin to experience some disagreement,
conflict and/or shared challenges- the relationship
shifts as do the dynamics between the partners.
Though many relationships
move past this stage, a number do not. Why?
There are many reasons. These can include:
· lack of readiness
for the challenges of the next stage
· issues with commitment and fidelity
· immature beliefs about what relationships
should be
· being stuck on an idealized, romanticized
notion of love
If one of the partners
is not ready for a less than perfect and
more demanding stage of love, they
will exhibit this in their behavior, language
and overall level of openness and availability
towards the other.
This is when the couple
begins to think more seriously of a future
with each other. The focus tends to be;
how well do we get along, do we share similar
interests and do I want to date this person
exclusively?
Growth Through Negotiation
This is a very challenging
and growing time in all relationship building.
Reality comes into play as the couple settles
into the comfort and predictability of their
togetherness. Little issues can become blown-up
into large conflicts. The individuals begin
to compete for their share of control and
their place in this growing union. Differences
can become highlighted instead of minimized.
This is often the
period when couples experience their first
fight. Hurt feelings can occur as that once
loving and completely accepting other person
airs a criticism or voices annoyance or
concern. Often, the individuals believe
it is the other person who needs to change.
This is where the
need for (or lack of) communication, problem-solving
and negotiating skills becomes apparent.
For without an adequate measure of these,
disagreements can break down into screaming
matches where insults and recriminations
are fired like missiles.
If the individuals
can listen, be supportive of each other's
feelings, compromise and not lay blame,
they have a good chance of working through
this stage and achieving a true intimacy.
This does not mean they will share all the
same beliefs and opinions, or that they
will necessarily even like the other's view.
However, having and showing respect is a
cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
Not only will relationships
fail without these relationship-building
strengths, they can also abruptly end if
one of the partners decides that they don't
feel the same way about this person in their
less than idealized state. The reality may
not be to their liking or just something
they are not ready for in general. Either
way, they will pull back, present differently
or disappear without warning. How they handle
their changing feelings is further information
about their level of relationship readiness
and maturity in general.
Intimacy
Intimacy is the reward
that is gained when a couple has successfully
worked through the difficult last stage
of negotiation. It is almost like a new
coming together with much greater self (and
other) awareness. This new information can
work to solidify the union or give one of
both individuals enough new information
about the other to require a reassessment
of their desire to remain together.
Each person looks
at the other in their (naked) state and
asks; "is this the person I want to
be with"? Here their individual differences
are highlighted. The early romantic haze
has cleared. What they have to offer to
each other and to a future life together
comes into play.
This is a time when
couples often begin to contemplate each
other's attributes in a more practical way.
They look at the other's strengths and weaknesses.
They evaluate each other's potential as
a future spouse, parent, provider, caregiver,
partner, etc.
Relationships can
be tested more during this time. Infidelity
is one dysfunctional way that some individuals
do this. Often, this leads to the end of
the relationship.
When differences can
be seen, aired and accepted, the couple
has a good chance of moving on together
from this place. Essentially, they have
decided they want to be with the other,
warts and all.
When the behavior
of one or both partners change, it is generally
because they have made a conscious or unconscious
decision regarding the wrongness of the
other for them, or for the type of relationship
they seek.
Commitment
This is the final
stage of relationship building. Once individuals
have reached this place, they are ready
to cement their bond. While much growth
and work will lay ahead in a future life
together, they are ready to begin this life
soon.
New challenges arise
during each stage, and will happen here
as well. However, if the couple has successfully
worked through the previous stages, they
should have many of the tools they need.
The external problems
and pressures that come with life will test
their resolve and commitment over the years.
They may need to reassess, re-negotiate
and renew their feelings and commitment.
Fortunately, they will be in possession
of the basic tools required.
If they choose well
to begin with, they should be successful.
As you evaluate your
failed relationship, note the stage
you were in when the change occurred. Chances
are that the necessary level of readiness
and maturity was not present in one or both
of you. Perhaps one of you decided that
this is not the kind of partner or relationship
I am seeking.
This new information
and insight should help you to choose a
future partner who is better suited to you
and desirous of the same kind of relationship
that you are.
Toni Coleman is a
licensed therapist and relationship coach
in private practice in McLean, Virginia.
She specializes in working with singles
who want to create lasting, intimate relationships.
Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience
in relationship counseling and coaching
with singles and couples. She is the founder
and President of LifeChange Coaching and
Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed
and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships
Training, a tele-workshop designed to help
singles to define, implement and fulfill
their life and relationship goals. She has
also written numerous email classes for
singles on all aspects of meeting, dating
and relating. She is the author of the email
newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes
out to thousands of subscribers monthly.
http://www.consum-mate.com
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